Out of Hand

There's a lot that these three words could refer to. I'd venture a guess that most people think of "out of hand" as being something negative: lacking control, structure, discipline. It's not a state of being we want for our lives, and certainly not for our horses.

I see "out of hand" a bit differently these days. When you accept how many things in life are entirely beyond your control, there is a tremendous feeling of relief that replaces all that desire to have a place for everything and everything in its place.

Don't get me wrong, my OCD for certain things is still strong. I love cleaning, find great therapeutic benefit in mucking stalls and am ridiculously overly satisfied with the look of a freshly mowed field complete with tidy, trimmed fence lines. But those things are superficial and slacking in those areas is generally not detrimental to my well being. 

"Out of hand", for me, is about the big stuff: it is the way in which we view our interactions within our relationships, our ability to see what is truly important and ignore the things that aren't so that we may cultivate more of the things that are. It's accepting just how little we actually have control over and then, actually GIVING ourselves over to that lack of control so that we might rid ourselves of the anxiety and fear that comes with constantly seeking it.

I can hear you grumbling already. I still sometimes do too, in my head, when I remind myself of this concept while sitting atop a horse who has a strong opinion about a thing I've asked. Horses are great teachers in this respect. These are animals that outweigh us 10 to 1 and yet have no idea that they could exit the conversation if they really wanted and there isn't a damn thing we could do to stop them. Were there ever a time to feel like "out of hand" is a recipe for disaster, it would be with horses. And yet here I am, telling you to go all Princess Elsa on the situation.

Learning to let go has been one of the hardest things I've had to do with horses, but it has been by far the most beneficial practice in both my horsemanship and my life. I admittedly thoroughly enjoy the look on my students face when I tell them that when they place their foot in that stirrup and swing their leg over a horse that they are already dead, so they may as well go along for the ride. It seems like an insane thing to say until you look at what it allows you to accomplish.

Horses seek relief from pressure of any kind. A horse is an animal that is constantly adjusting to its environment in order to find the most stress-free existence possible, to the point where the horse has become one of the few animals that strives to get along just for the sake of getting along. This is a lesson more humans could learn but alas, with our large brains and opposable thumbs, the world is our oyster and we tend to see an easier path in the idea of asserting dominance and control over it. You can admittedly get quite a few things done this way - both with horses and in life - but not without cost. That cost usually comes with our relationships: who wants to be with someone who must have everything their way, who places unfair standards and demands on others constantly, who doesn't listen and can't allow themselves to be vulnerable and open? What kind of partner does this type of person make? What kind of emotional damage do we inflict upon others by acting this way?

Certainly there are times when we need to insist a rule is followed or a line is toed, both for our well being and the well being of others, but these instances are far less numerous than we think and when it comes to horses, allowing them to not only have thoughts but express them openly to us is one the most valuable things we can offer our animals. True partnership is what most of us are seeking when we sit astride a horse: we desperately desire to feel connected to something bigger than ourselves and yet when a horse offers us a taste, we shut it down. It's scary to feel out of control and the notion that we may be seriously injured or even killed in pursuance of this sport is not something that's far from our minds. 

But when you reduce a horse's response to being just a mere "behavior", instead of part of an ongoing conversation, you deny him a place at the table. You're letting him know that you don't have much interest in what he has to say or how he feels and would prefer he just deal and do what you ask. Tell him that often enough and he'll start to realize you don't really care much about him. Your partnership has disintegrated. He can now choose to fight you in the hopes you might listen to him if he yells loudly enough, or he can withdraw within himself and choose to just grin and bear it for the little bit of time each day that he must put up with you. Horses who do the former are usually labeled spoiled, bratty or dangerous - we know where these horses often end up. Those who choose the latter are often highly valued, seen as "solid" and "bombproof"; in my experience they actually comprise a large population of the highly prized show horses. They care about nothing, because experience has taught them that if they do, it doesn't tend to work out so well for them.

Ultimately, this same scenario plays out in every aspect of our lives. If you feel valued, heard and respected, you have more incentive to work harder in your job, participate more in your relationships and be a better member of society as a whole. You feel less anxiety, more hope and optimism and are more flexible when life throws you stress. You develop a habit of bending like the willow, instead of breaking like the oak. You can participate more fully, love more deeply and live so much openly. It's an idyllic existence that many of us shy away from because "that's just not how the world works."

But it can be. And it starts with your horse. So the next time you swing up onto your horse's back, take a moment to really feel what he is saying that day. Let go of your ambitions for the moment and hear how he feels when you pick up your rein and ask for his thoughts to turn to you. His answer might surprise you. If it does, try not to shut him down. How he feels in that moment is not within your control, but how he feels in the moments to come is absolutely something you do a thing or two about.