A Caveat on Being Kind

I have written about kindness before - both towards oneself and others, be that equine or hominid.

I feel it's worth noting, however, that kindness does not equal:

- being a pushover or doormat

- lacking boundaries

- allowing someone to take advantage of you emotionally

- never experiencing emotions like anger, frustration, annoyance, etc

Kindness is really the culmination of how you deal with the things that bring up the negative in you. Possessing kindness means your initial thought often doesn't become your actual response; possessing kindness means you might have had the initial thought but decided on another path, one that releases you from the burden of anger and its emotional relatives. Kindness is just as much about what your actions do to and for you as it is what they do to and for others.

Showing kindness - even towards someone who has done you great harm - is not naïve nor weak. To show kindness when you've been hurt takes an incredible amount of courage and personal conviction. It's much easier to allow your initial reaction to take over and play out (see my post Anger is Just Sad's Bodyguard).

You can be kind and cut a toxic person out of your life. You can be kind and have a CTJ meeting with someone who needs some boundaries outlined. In these instances you are doing yourself a kindness by not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of and doing the other person a kindness by demonstrating the fact that actions have consequences. You might end up being the reason that person chooses change somewhere down the road.

Likewise, you can be incredibly kind to the horse while still making sure he understands what is expected of him. If you've ever audited Buck Brannaman, or watched his "7 Clinics" series, he says multiple times in various ideations that it can't all be faeries and puppies and rainbows. Sometimes the horse needs some firmness for him to get clarity on what you're asking, and being unwilling to do everything it takes (but no more!) is just as unkind as beating him over the head with a two by four. I'd be so bold as to say the same goes with children: kids need parents to be parents, not best friends. You don't have to rule with an iron fist to give your kids clarity on what is expected of them and demonstrate the consequences if they choose otherwise.

I can't say it enough: be kind. Just keep in mind that kindness does not have to mean deference or submission.